Does this lackadaisical approach keep most stay-at-home parents financially dependent on their spouses? A lot of codependent partners feel anxiety … My skills are certainly rustier than they once were, and my experience more outdated. How does it feel to be financially dependent on my husband? My company matched my contributions up to 6%, and the market gave me an additional lift after that. My husband provided all the financial support. There can be lots of reasons why one spouse is financially dependent on the other, they may have given up work to care for the children or be unable to work due to illness, or it may just be that their spouse earns a high income and it was agreed that the other did not have to work. The issue is not just about lacking income. My confidence grows each time I log in to my bank accounts. I think it’s also not having a say at the financial table. It was by design and not at all by accident. 1. Especially, just after I made the decision to stay home. When I was growing up, the values that were instilled in me were very simple: work hard and then work harder. Financial abuse is something that we rarely discuss openly since it is often insidious and wrapped up in the confines of what appears to be otherwise, a normal relationship. I stepped into that position after saving for over a decade. And if men are groomed to provide for themselves, then why aren’t women? Sit down, give the … On being financially dependent on my husband As inspired by one of our featured SAHM stories, I asked the question on my Instagram stories: “What are your thoughts on being financially dependent on your husband or partner?” It is a topic that I feel is widely relevant to stay-at-home moms. That doesn’t include proceeds from the properties we could have sold. While there are certainly breadwinning women in the world and kudos to them, there are plenty of other women who could not support their current lifestyle entirely on their own. This is true whether you stay-home or continue to work. You may not earn as much as your spouse, but you should still be 100% vested in the outcome of your partner’s paychecks. When my husband and I got married we joint our accounts and all our expenses get paid out of this one joint account. Probably. The answers will depend on the reason why one spouse is dependent on the other. I’ve worked ever since I was 16, I paid my way through college and graduate school, I bought every car I’ve ever owned. I have to be beautiful all the time. It serves as the backdrop for the words that follow. Making a spouse financially dependent on you is a great way to control your spouse. The total value was over $300,000 on the day I rolled it into my IRA. It comes when I know we can pay our bills and credit cards. It’s hard not to contribute financially and it sucks that as human beings we tie our value and worth to how much money we make. Everyone is valuable whether you stay home or not. I used to think that it must be so easy to sit back and let other people pay your way but, to be honest, it’s really difficult. These financial details provide critical details to my decision-making process. I have to dress well. Of course, it does. Still, I do struggle with this. At the time, my husband’s retirement accounts were equal to my own. I am as much dependent on my husband as he is dependent on me. My final paycheck from work included a severance check worth more than $62,000. So it’s difficult to feel empowered if you don’t have any in your own name. We are both 100% dependent on each other. Wouldn’t you? Apr 7 2015 at 6:00 AM Photo: Getty. I am stuck here wasting my life, knowing that when the children are grown I will have nothing to show for my time spent raising them–professionally speaking. In the world of personal finance and FIRE, you are not financially independent until you have enough income to pay for your living expenses without employment. Oh, and I have a funny podcast. It felt strange to give up on that suddenly. He provided the paychecks so I could stay at home with our children. Hold on to those pockets of time to do something meaningful that could turn into a career down the road. Small snippets of time to write and focus. It means swallowing (or force feeding yourself) a lot of pride. Some do a better job than others of keeping their skills up-to-date and their network intact. I am homeschooling our seven children, and I work hard at home, but I still feel awful. I hate feeling like I am stuck in a problem with no solution. As a writer and illustrator, Audrey creates empowering content to help women love who they are, and overcome the widespread illness of fear. Now, as a grown woman, it’s very strange to be financially dependent on someone else, especially when I never wanted to be dependent on even my own dad. I’m not talking about instant gratification here. Both stay-at-home moms and working moms face financial dependence. My husband works out of town and she is my only other companion. I am a forty-year-old wife, mother, blogger, personal finance enthusiast, optimist, former software developer and achiever of financial independence. Not living this way was to fail and to let people down. Its a very bad place to be in, i can understand. I feel pretty worthless. Even though I have no financial worries, I still face lots of shame. Not earning as much money makes me feel like I have less say in the relationship. But their life choices tell a different story. I spent the first twelve years of my career earning and saving money. They can also learn that saving money is just as important as earning it. I feel that I need to overcompensate for my lack of financial prowess. We should all feel disheartened by this fact. It’s not fair for women to start behind the eight ball. I have got to finish school, and with the job market as it is, I'm not going to be able to find a job that pays enough to live on AND go to school full-time at the same time. Well, my employer just happened to announce company wide layoffs when I was four months pregnant. It should mean that both partners believe in the importance of one parent staying home. But the truth is, he never, ever sees our relationships this way so neither should I. (Duh!) My husband is not the father of my two adult girls. I never felt bad for being dependent on my husband, but I did feel guilty for giving up my income. In 2011 I left my high-paying job to become a stay-at-home mom. I'm still uncomfortable with being financially dependent on my spouse. The working woman already has a job, a career, a trajectory, and a means to make more money. I have to socially affable. A stay-at-home mom will need to find employment before she can begin earning. I am so jealous of his position. It’s not that I’ve ever dreamed of being wealthy—having enough to enjoy simple pleasures was always enough for me. Terms of Service, I’m Financially Dependent On My Partner And It Sucks, You Know You’re In An Almost Relationship If You’re Sending Him These Texts, 12 Reasons You’re Single Even Though You’re A Catch, 14 Little Things That Look Like Love But Are Actually Manipulation, “Duty Dating” Is A Thing And You Need To Start Doing It ASAP, I Didn’t Understand Why I Kept Ending Up With Toxic Guys Until I Realized These Important Things, What’s Your Hottest Quality? In the past seven years, I’ve missed out on $1 million worth of potential income. I am writing a novel. My husband and I have always been equal partners in those areas of our lives and I think all partners should be. You immediately connect with an awesome coach on text or over the phone in minutes. That might make me sound like an extremely empty and shallow millennial but the truth is, money’s not a bad thing and you kind of need it. Many married working women are also financially dependent. There are plenty of husbands who are financially dependent on their wives.). It is more common for a woman to depend on her spouses’ paychecks than to live comfortably without them. “I found out in December 2015 that my oldest daughter and my husband were messing around behind my … That seemed lazy, irresponsible and irritating to me. I am constantly trying out new business ideas (without any investment capital) and then failing at them because I have seven kids that are home with me 24-7, and anything added to that is apparently too hard for me to manage, so I give up and feel even worse–so defeated. I have plenty of friends who are teachers and social workers. I would urge all new parents to run the numbers before leaping to stay home. It could take up to a year for us to be financially independent of one another. Sure, I could have altered my lifestyle and supported myself quite happily, but I couldn’t afford to live the life I planned. Just click here…. Even working spouses. I, personally, have not done an excellent job at either of those chores. I feel ashamed to make less than a man. It’s about talking through the weight of becoming financially dependent. Young women today have jobs, paychecks and interesting goals. If your partner disappeared from the face of this Earth and took that bi-weekly paycheck along for the ride, could you still pay for your housing, utilities, food, vacations, and credit card bills, or would your lifestyle have to change? If your partner disappeared from the face of this Earth and took that bi-weekly paycheck along for the ride, could you still pay for your housing, utilities, food, vacations, and credit card bills, or would your … I spent many years focused on increasing my salary and saving. I’ll be honest. I was financially dependent on mine. Audrey Bea uses her life-changing but difficult experiences with anorexia and depression as the catalyst and inspiration for her work. Returning to the first line each time I reached the end of it. When I asked my ever-wise husband about his opinion, he pointed out that just because one spouse might be financially dependent on the other at … If you haven’t read it yet, take a gander and then pop back over here. Kids are expensive – and so is life! Audrey Bea Now, I see that maybe I’ve been super prideful and arrogant when it comes to money. I want to end my loveless marriage, but I am financially dependent My wife of 25 years takes me for granted and belittles me, but I don't think she would accept a split. I believe I work hard but at this point in my life, my income doesn’t reflect that. We should teach young women about personal finance. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it is the truth. My husband gives money every time because he knows single parents need financial help. Am I letting my feminist sisters down because I’m now dependent on a man’s income? What makes it worse is that I tend to be quite driven, and my husband is pretty passionless in his career pursuits and small-minded in his vision of the future. “How?” you might ask. When something special is just given to me, I appreciate it but it does feel less valuable because I haven’t invested in it myself. They Control All Your Income. My husband’s company and his salary eventually made up for my lost income, so I never felt the need to worry about becoming destitute or broke. I too want to leave a bad realationship but i am financially dependent on my husband, have a small baby, abroad so isloated from family. If you cannot maintain your current lifestyle, then you are also financially dependent upon your partner. I contemplated my options for months. Our investments at the time totaled over $1 million. If we wish to remove the need for dependence, we must also fight for equal pay and shrink the wage gap. “Her husband keeps all the financial … I made a mistake marrying him and want a divorce, but everything is in his name, including our car. Community Answer. Well, at least hopefully it will be. If your paycheck goes directly to your partner, or directly into their … It’s also true that before I left my job, my husband was financially dependent on me and my income. As a teenager, I was told to pursue my passions while my male classmates were told to increase their profits. It's become unhealthy for me and for my daughter for her to always be around, what should I do? All partners should talk openly about money. A reader sent me a long email in response to that post. Who may claim the children as dependents on the tax return? I have more time now than I did when my boys were little. I gave up my job to move to a different state to be with him. It feels okay because we have a ridiculously large safety net. With money comes power, and since my boyfriend earns most of the money, I feel like I need to acquiesce to his preferences since, let’s face it, he’s got more money. Check out Relationship Hero a site where highly trained relationship coaches get you, get your situation, and help you accomplish what you want. Most women who quit their jobs probably haven’t spent twelve years earning and saving as much as I did. I never worried about our financial future because I routinely reviewed and managed our day to day transactions, credit cards, bank accounts, and excel spreadsheets. The ironic thing is, if I have to be gone for a few days & Roger is at home by himself I have heard him teasingly laughed at by both sides of our family. These are difficult questions to answer. Our finances were front and center in my decision-making process. I’m lucky to live without any financial needs, and I wouldn’t trade in this relationship for more money. Why do different genders receive such different messages? I no longer feel like an equal member of our team. Frequently, dependent spouses build up a nest egg before children and then spend it all on family needs once they’ve given up work. There is no doubt that my earnings capacity has temporarily diminished as my years outside of the workforce grow. Every three months, canvassers from the Single Parents Food Bank come to our door, asking for donations. My husband works full-time, and I am dependent on him for financial support. If you have passion and interest you can climb the ladder quickly no matter how old you are. Few would have the opportunity to do so. You’re a superhero for reading all of this whining. My situation is unique. When I left the workforce, I was completely aware of my marketable skills. It’s never been appealing to anyone. I’m sure I’d feel different if we didn’t. I’m a capitalist at heart. I should point out that there is nothing wrong with mutual financial dependence. I recently wrote a post called Quitting My Six-Figure Job. If I didn’t have $1 million in the bank before my son was born, I’m not sure I would have left my profession. At the time, I didn't know much about financial abuse—when one partner controls the other through money. I don't know the answers or how to soothe the sting of being financially dependent. It can weigh heavily on the spouse who works and the spouse who stays at home. It means learning to see yourself as worthy and valuable even if you don’t make a crazy amount of money. But research shows that financial abuse occurs just as frequently in unhealthy relationships as other forms of abuse. If I were to file for divorce, would my husband have to … Unfortunately it was my mom who was/is overly financially dependent on my dad. But this isn't the case with men. Please don’t minimize the contributions of stay at home moms. Keep some money in your own name. “Is it hard to be financially dependent on your husband?” The same answer applies. I amassed those large sums of money long before I conceived my first child. We should also ensure every girl is as comfortable and competent with a calculator as her male counterparts. In fact, by the time I walked away from work, I saved over $155,000 in my 401k. Required fields are marked *. Receiving isn’t my strong point. Exchanging money is what helps you feel like you’re taking an active part in creating your life the way you envision it. Nurses and teachers don’t get paid as well as doctors and engineers. I have to cook perfect dinners every single night. I was really excited to receive my degree and go on to graduate school. I don’t know how old you are or how old your kids are, but if they are young it does get better as they get bigger. March 15, 2016 at 6:11 pm. Send me an e-mail or visit my website holtcpafirm.com.. I’m sounding off in this article so men listen up! Some amazing people didn’t get to work until their later years or switched careers mid-way. However, as Munsch notes, the chances of men engaging in infidelity when they make significantly more than their wives is "relatively small" compared to the increased likelihood of cheating that occurs when men become financially dependent. Who am I kidding? For starters, young women are still encouraged to work in lower-paying fields. Sponsored: The best dating/relationships advice on the web. Shopping sprees with my own money are so much more fun. However, I couldn’t gain access to it until I reached retirement age. If you ask women whether they want to depend on a man to support them, most will say no. I know there are ways to move forward, but I am having a lot of trouble seeing them. My skills at that time were up-to-date and in demand. My husband saved more than half of that amount. Financial independence is the ability to support yourself fully and completely without assistance. From an early age, I learned to see myself through the lense of self-sufficiency and strong work ethic. My husband and I were separated the last 11 months of the year and our two minor children lived with me for a greater part of the year than they lived with my husband. It’s certainly cheaper for two people to maintain a household than it is for two people to maintain separate residences. “Does it bother you to depend on your husband’s paycheck?” It turns out that I was dependent on my husband’s money long before I ever quit my job. Still, there’s something truly satisfying about saving up and treating yourself to something special. If that weren’t the case, alimony would never be granted to working women. Your husband may have a type of dependent personality. I was guaranteed a small pension worth roughly $1,200 per month. How many women can support their lifestyles on their own? Shirley says. by Sasha King December 3, 2013 December 3, 2013 174. There isn’t an age limit on contributing to the world at large, so don’t place the burden of a timeline on your dreams. When you think of domestic abuse, most likely the first thing that comes to mind is verbal abuse and physical assault. This blog is my story. But this arrangement has taught me about my own money issues, and maybe more importantly, it’s taught me about my own struggles with self-worth. Let’s begin with these questions: Do you depend on your partner for financial support? I’m a capitalist at heart. If I’m not good at making money, I feel like I have to be good at lots of other things. Being financially dependent on someone can be incredibly difficult. Yes it would cost money for him to do so, but those responsibilities could be outsourced. They say money isn’t everything but it kind of is. Hi. Most of us need one another to pay the bills, so we should all be equally invested in understanding our income, expenses, and all other aspects of our finances. I quit college when I was only 12 credits away from receiving my degree when we had our baby, and I have never returned. And if I fail at these things? It isn’t a lot of work and if you set up monthly meetings it’s incredibly easy to do. Your story is quite similar to mine in many aspects. women earn less than 18% of all computer science degrees, How to Live Simply: My Plan for Living With Less, Know Your Worth: Value Yourself Beyond Money, How To Live Your Best Life Without a Lot of Money. A fact that I am still grateful for. I’ve always connected my worth to my financial independence. I think it’s valuable to read the whole article for context, but if you are short on time, here’s a brief synopsis. Nonetheless, I do love a good dose of ownership and being able to stamp “mine” onto anything I’ve purchased. How much harder will it be for her to achieve them? Stay-at-home parents don’t need to invest the money, but they need to know that the money is invested. I have been contemplating returning to work even though I have been out of the workforce for 9 years. Some families make a collective decision that one parent will stay home with the kids, therefore if that was the decision they made together then all parties should respect that regardless of divorce. Now I've become my husband's financial burden. You Feel Anxiety All The Time While In The Relationship. Thank you so much for posting this. You don’t want to pause your career until you feel confident about your finances. Even fewer are married to a man who did the same. When men make more than 70 percent of the household income, they again become more likely to cheat. That way, I didn’t have to stick my hand out and get help from other people. There is no denying that fact. There are also a huge number of perks. I am financially dependent on my husband. Could you pay all of your bills and maintain your current standard of living without help from anyone else? Consequently, knowing how to identify financial ab… Also, it pays nothing. Lots of us think that we’re not making enough money and that our paychecks don’t really reflect all the hard work we pour into each and every work week. Because I’m not making the big bucks in this relationship (at least for the time being), I feel like I always have to make up for it in other ways. More specifically, she had a couple of questions she wanted to ask: I stared at the words on my computer screen and read the email in its entirety fifteen or twenty times in a row. Despite earning six-figures, I couldn’t pay for our bills by myself. Women have come a long way from helplessly sitting in towers, waiting to be rescued. I am very independent and will make sure to be able to afford anything I want. Lets … Thanks in part to the markets and my husband’s continued drive to work. ... Porsha Stewart, and her soon-to-be ex-husband, retired NFL star, Kordell Stewart. 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